DO NOT WANT

Today was just another day at the Lucky Bean, for the most part. Everything was going awesome, slinging lattes, cracking jokes and pretty much just being charming as hell in general to help fill up our tip jar.

Then it happened.

It was about half way through my shift when it happened.

This stereotypical white trash family came in. Nothing too unusual at first. The mom was convinced she was an expert at ordering espresso and ended up just ordering a cup of coffee with so many pumps of flavoring and chocolate in it that I would be worried we gave her diabetes if it weren't for the fact that I know women like that have diet mountain dew running in their veins, not blood. So no worries.

The dad mumbles something that sounded like "dey took er jerbs" which I translated to: black coffee. He seemed content.

First son orders a frappe, which he misread and pronounced "Flappy." No big deal, I can keep myself together and not openly judge you. Just save it for later to put in my blog for everyone to judge you.

Second son orders lemonade, nothing funny happened. Not much can go wrong with lemonade and ice. Sorry guys.

Then the mom pays for all the drinks so I assume the third kid doesn't want anything. I take the cash and she tips me a couple bucks (which I found to be very generous since she was using her own money and not a Bridge Card). I wish them a good day and turn to clean up the prep area. After a few seconds I realize the third son is still standing there...

"Oh I'm sorry, did you want something to drink?" -Me

"What's in your Mango Smoothie?" - Jethro Bubba Jr, in a thick southern accent.

"It is a Mango Puree, ice and a splash of milk." -Me

"But...what flavors are in Mango?" -J. Bubs

"Uh, it's just Mango. No additional flavors..." -Me, trying not to explode with laughter

"Yea but what flavor IS Mango?!" -J. Bubs, looking frustrated

"Sir, uhm...a mango is a fruit. Have you ever had a mango...?" -Me.

At this point I am on the verge of tears. I am trying so hard not judge this poor guy who has never heard of a Mango before but at the same time he looks to be about 23 or so years old and I can't find a valid reason to go 23 years with out ever having come into contact with a mango or at least the general idea of what a mango is....

all I can think is:

But then I realize he could very easily be a distant cousin of Aaron McKinney or Russell Henderson and we all know that homophobia induced homicide is genetic. I should tone down the sassy gay voice that implies obvious judgement...but how do I finish his order with out speaking or moving?!

Then he opens his mouth again:

Does this dude think mangoes come from Mackinac Island...? No, he couldn't possibly...

Wait....why didn't the mom buy his drink? Hold up....where did the rest of his family go...? Where did this dude come from?!

Oh no. It can not be. This guy is not a human at all. He is an alien from some mangoless frozen planet disguised as a southern redneck to make people assume he is just slow and simple and not a blood thirsty martian out for smoothies and lynch mobs!

My mind halts and I realize it...
No...
Not today....why?!

I can fix this. I can keep Earth at peace. I believe in myself....

"Well, I could mix it with peach? A lot of people order mango peach smoothies!"

Come on under cover redneck ET, take the bait.....come ooonnnnnnn....

"Yea, I'll try that."

       SUCCESS!

Now, I don't know if I actually convinced him that I did not suspect him of being an alien or he just assumed he had scared me so badly that I would never tell another person. Either way, I win.

Besides, aliens don't use the internet. Science, obviously. 

Game On.

A few weeks ago Megan watched some insanely attractive dude hit on me.

I showed no interest.

He tried again.

No response from me.

He put his hand on mine and said "Lets go outside and smoke" in a way that was clearly meant to be flirtatious

What did I do? I through cigarettes at him and told him to have at it then ran away.

When the fuck did I become a celibate nun....? I mean, I know I put my little guard up because I am insecure...blah gay blah...don't want to get hurt, gay blahblah feelings. But I mean come on, man!

So, after a discussion and a few (all of the) beers Megan and myself have decided it is time for me to enroll at Whore Academy. The professor: Megan. The student: Cody.

I'm sure you're thinking "Oh sweet baby jesus this can not possibly end well." and you are probably correct.

Either way, being a good guy is fun and all but getting laid is more fun. So, Megan will be the Obi Wan to my Luke Skywalker and teach me the ways of proper lightsabering. 

The main reason for this decision is that for the sake of my own well being I have to stop being so damned sensitive. Like most of you know at this point, I am a magnet for the sexually confused and socially awkward. I have crossed paths with far too many dudes who decide to tell me in secret that they think they may love the peen and expect my guidance. Well due to my oddly misplaced maternal instinct I always care and want to help. Which leads to me developing feelings and then getting rejected when they have finally become comfortable and found some other dude.

I am basically the walking gay version of a Molly Ringwald film, and I will have no more of it. I am done being a tour guide through the Butt Secks Theme Park. No, I'm not even a tour guide. I don't get to ride the rides or see the attractions. I am the janitor. I clean up garbage and direct traffic. Fuck. That.

Now, I am not saying I plan to become some thunderous whore monster. But I am done putting so much emotion into everything. It seems like everyone is too self involved or blissfully unaware to what is happening to realize when I am like "yo mofo, my heart has a boner for you."

So in conclusion, Mr. Listen to you talk about your feelings and offer advice and guidance has retired. But, he can do house calls for those who have paid their dues and put in the time. Mr. I am super charming and ready to get down to business is taking the wheel on this struggle bus.

...whoa.

So, this probably isn't interesting to any one else but me. Or maybe everyone else already knew this and I am just slow as hell, likely.

But I just found out the lines on SOLO cups actually mean something. 

I mean, lets be realistic. We all know to just fill it to the top no matter what the liquid is. I just found it interesting that those lines I had never given any thought to before had a purpose.

It makes me wonder what else I have looked past that I should have given more time and thought to. Like, my self respect or that ugly baby I left at a fire station.

Anyways, I find it funny that SOLO would think that anyone drinking from these cups would measure a damned thing. Not exactly a lot of class at frat parties or various county fair beer tents across 'merica.

Coffee shop gem.

As you all know, I have been working full time at the Lucky Bean Coffeehouse on Mackinac Island this year. Needless to say I love it.

I have also decided to start blogging about the dumb people who come in.

For example:

Today, a mother and teenaged son come in. Mom orders a mocha, easy. Boom. Done. Happy Customer.

The son orders an iced coffee and takes a sip. I think nothing of it because that's what people do with drinks, they drink them. So I start cleaning up and then I hear it...

 "Excuse me?"

I turn around and look at her and she hands me her sons iced coffee.

"He doesn't care for this."

Naturally, I assume I have done something wrong when I brewed it and ask what exactly is wrong with it.

"Oh, its just doesn't taste anything like McDonalds!"

......what?

Of course at this point all I want to do is smack them both and tell them to leave.

But I can't. So I "kindly" explain that in a coffee shop that isn't affiliated with the coffee experts over at McDonalds House of Beans and Diabetes, an iced coffee is in fact cold coffee....with ice in it.

And then I loaded it up with milk and sugar and sent them on their way while I shook my head and pondered what is wrong with the world.  

Subliminal

I started reading Subliminal by Leonard Mlodinow tonight and I can already feel myself getting weird because of it. Something about having the unconscious mind and the ways in which it changes your behavior explained seems really cool....at first.

I am thirty pages in and I am already second guessing the reasons for every choice I have ever made and how aspects of my life and environment helped in making these choices.

By the time I finish this book I imagine I am not going to be able to make any decisions with out someone forcing me because I will be sitting there with a note pad taking my temperature, measuring my hair and reading the lyrics to the last ten songs I listened to just to see if any of these things played a part in weather I choose to eat swiss or cheddar cheese.

I already over analyze myself and worry far too much about everything to be reading a book that is just going to make it worse.

Whatever, so far it is very interesting.

Just promise me that in a few weeks when I have retreated to a fall out shelter...or a bubble that someone will come visit and make sure I am not chain smoking in a confined space. I doubt I will have given any thought to installing any sort of ventilation system.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!

Like stupid gay, not gay gay.

Alright, so DC Comics has decided to make The Green Lantern a homosexual. To be honest I am at a loss with this.

At first I was annoyed because well, people need to stop making everything "gay." Especially in this situation. Unless these comic books featuring a gay Green Lantern are also going to depict graphic butt sex and the occasional drawn in cameo by whatever pop diva the gay community is obsessed with that week, I just can't see them being all that interested in reading a comic book. So basically, DC Comics has just managed to make a lot of lonely straight dudes feel really uncomfortable in their parents basement. Way to go.

Then I thought to myself: Well, a lot of kids read comics books and it might help a lot of sexually confused youth feel more comfortable with themselves. Oh wait, no. Now any kid carrying a Green Lantern comic book is going to be a target as well and the only self defense they will have learned from reading about the Green Lantern is to put on a big tacky ring and try to use it to make things happen. So, steal your moms jewelry and defend yourself with jazz hands.

Finally, I decided it was actually a very subtle homophobic move on DC Comics' part. I mean come on! You couldn't make Batman just admit he is gay? Batman already seems pretty gay so it would have made total sense. No, the new Batman films are way too lucrative to mess up the image of Bruce Wayne. So instead they make the Green Lantern a homo, conveniently after the movie came out and totally sucked.

"Whoa guys, that Green Lantern movie was pretty bad. How are we ever going to make a come back after that?"

"Oh I know, we will give him to the gays! The gays love men in spandex pants!"

Well, you're right DC. We do. But it doesn't change the fact that I am on to your ways.

Really....magical....?


Sigh.