I, Cody Michael, am really fucking lazy.
The last few weeks on the island were really stressful trying to plan for the big move to Denver and then when I got to Denver there was nothing exciting to report because I was unemployed and sleeping on an air mattress like a crack head. I just assumed none of you cared about the potato chips I was eating or the seasons of (insert outdated television show) I was watching on Netflix.
By the time I had found a job I had already reached a level poverty that triggered the "SELL ALL YOUR SHIT ON CRAIGSLIST AND BUY MORE RAMEN!" reflex. So, I was employed but no longer owned an iPad (it became rent and whiskey money) and whenever I thought about my blog I never wanted to post because I couldn't include and fancy doodles. You're probably wondering "Well, did he get a new iPad to produce hilarious cartoons?"
No, no he did not. Stop being selfish people, I am still poor. Stop pouring salt in my wounds. You will have to settle for just my words and if that isn't good enough for you than well, I don't blame you really.
Here I am in the beautiful city of Denver, surrounded by gorgeous mountains and finally living with my best friend Jory. Things are really good. Blah blah blah whatever. As some of you may know, I am now employed as a barista at Starbucks. It was at the bottom of my list of desired jobs right along with McDonalds and the person who picks Cheetos out of Paula Deen's back fat. Turns out, it really isn't bad. It is a great company to work for, the company wide knowledge of coffee is inspiring and most importantly the customers are all insane and sometimes downright stupid which makes for awesome stories.
For example, anyone with any sort of knowledge of coffee or the Starbucks menu know their are different blends/brews/roasts/levels of coffee: Light, Medium and Dark. At Starbucks they are labeled as Blonde, Medium and Dark and when you order coffee "black" you don't want cream or sugar added. Common knowledge, right?
The other day these two guys come in and the first guy comes to the counter and says "I'll take a tall Blonde Dark Black"
Me: "I'm sorry, you want a tall Blonde roast?"
Customer: "No! I want a tall Blonde Dark Black!"
Me (just trying to get it right): "So, you want half Blonde and half Dark with out cream...?"
Customer (growing impatient with my awesome customer service skills): "NO! I want a Tall. Blonde. Dark. Black!"
All I can think is, So, you want a glass of:
At this point I give up and just pour the guy a tall Blonde Roast because I was out of fucks to give. Then his friend steps up with an order that is just as confusing to make sense of but immediately apologizes when I look confused and says "I'm sorry, I am not familiar with the menu. He (points to friend) is more of the expert..."
Ok buddy, just don't take any life, financial or medical advice from your friend because you'll probably end up dead or worse, with a perm.
I'm sure some of you are wondering why I even let the confusion go on for so long or why I tried so hard to make sense of his order. Let me put it this way, Starbucks people are balls to the wall insane. When someone orders a "venti, non fat, 2 pump, no foam, 186.4 degree, extra caramel upside down caramel macchiato" you had better get it right. Because if you're one pump or even one degree off they will know. What happens when you get their drink wrong? Well, just imagine 300 meth addicted rabid racoons all suffering from roid rage walking around in a trench coat looking for their next fix and you slow them down asking "Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?"
It is not pretty.
Alright, that's it for now. I have a lot more to say but I will save it for my next post because glass number two of wine is gone and I love wine more than I love you.
