That was a long break...

So, a blog. You'd be amazed how much work it seems like but actually isn't. Then you realize you're just lazy.

I, Cody Michael, am really fucking lazy.

The last few weeks on the island were really stressful trying to plan for the big move to Denver and then when I got to Denver there was nothing exciting to report because I was unemployed and sleeping on an air mattress like a crack head. I just assumed none of you cared about the potato chips I was eating or the seasons of (insert outdated television show) I was watching on Netflix.

By the time I had found a job I had already reached a level poverty that triggered the "SELL ALL YOUR SHIT ON CRAIGSLIST AND BUY MORE RAMEN!" reflex. So, I was employed but no longer owned an iPad (it became rent and whiskey money) and whenever I thought about my blog I never wanted to post because I couldn't include and fancy doodles. You're probably wondering "Well, did he get a new iPad to produce hilarious cartoons?"

No, no he did not. Stop being selfish people, I am still poor. Stop pouring salt in my wounds. You will have to settle for just my words and if that isn't good enough for you than well, I don't blame you really.

Here I am in the beautiful city of Denver, surrounded by gorgeous mountains and finally living with my best friend Jory. Things are really good. Blah blah blah whatever. As some of you may know, I am now employed as a barista at Starbucks. It was at the bottom of my list of desired jobs right along with McDonalds and the person who picks Cheetos out of Paula Deen's back fat. Turns out, it really isn't bad. It is a great company to work for, the company wide knowledge of coffee is inspiring and most importantly the customers are all insane and sometimes downright stupid which makes for awesome stories.

For example, anyone with any sort of knowledge of coffee or the Starbucks menu know their are different blends/brews/roasts/levels of coffee: Light, Medium and Dark. At Starbucks they are labeled as Blonde, Medium and Dark and when you order coffee "black" you don't want cream or sugar added. Common knowledge, right?

The other day these two guys come in and the first guy comes to the counter and says "I'll take a tall Blonde Dark Black"

Me: "I'm sorry, you want a tall Blonde roast?"

Customer: "No! I want a tall Blonde Dark Black!"

Me (just trying to get it right): "So, you want half Blonde and half Dark with out cream...?"

Customer (growing impatient with my awesome customer service skills): "NO! I want a Tall. Blonde. Dark. Black!"

All I can think is, So, you want a glass of:

At this point I give up and just pour the guy a tall Blonde Roast because I was out of fucks to give. Then his friend steps up with an order that is just as confusing to make sense of but immediately apologizes when I look confused and says "I'm sorry, I am not familiar with the menu. He (points to friend) is more of the expert..."

Ok buddy, just don't take any life, financial or medical advice from your friend because you'll probably end up dead or worse, with a perm.

I'm sure some of you are wondering why I even let the confusion go on for so long or why I tried so hard to make sense of his order. Let me put it this way, Starbucks people are balls to the wall insane. When someone orders a "venti, non fat, 2 pump, no foam, 186.4 degree, extra caramel upside down caramel macchiato" you had better get it right. Because if you're one pump or even one degree off they will know. What happens when you get their drink wrong? Well, just imagine 300 meth addicted rabid racoons all suffering from roid rage walking around in a trench coat looking for their next fix and you slow them down asking "Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?"

It is not pretty.

Alright, that's it for now. I have a lot more to say but I will save it for my next post because glass number two of wine is gone and I love wine more than I love you.

Wub Wub Of Doom

Have you ever given anything thought to the side effects of modern day trends? Not like in Josie and The Pussycats where everyone was being brainwashed, I am talking like legit mental and physical health damage.

Let's talk about Dubstep for a minute. First of all, I don't really get it. What the fuck is dubstep? Isn't it basically just techno with a very predictable bass drop? It's not like we don't see it coming so why is it more exciting than regular techno? You don't get on a roller coaster and then get off going "Whoa man, I had no idea that first hill was going to be so intense!" Uhm duh and or hheellooooo. Anyways, me not understanding dubstep or its mass appeal is not my point. My point is the side affects it has on people.

1. They seem to lose any sort of color to their skin. Like they looked into the eyes of a basilisk and instead of going rigid they just lost any good taste in music.

2. The hair gets greasy. 'Nuff said.

3. Somehow their wrists diminish to about fifty percent their natural size. Don't believe me? Go to your nearest Hot Topic and grab the nearest obvious dubstep fan and take a look at their wrists. It is like their arms have been replaced with the branches from a willow tree.

4. The only adjectives they seem capable of using are words that should only be describing piles of garbage or dead babies. (filthy, sick, etc) They probably realize that is exactly how most people describe their music and are trying to make these words have a more modern day positive slang meaning (was that even a sentence?! You know what I mean...) so that eventually society will get confused and not know whether the people they are talking to actually like dubstep or not. Empires will fall and all the kittens will burst into flames.

5. This is the last and final sign that they are ill, when the hair on half of their head vanishes. There is no way of telling if this is an act done by choice or if it just falls out. We will probably never know for sure since it always seems to happen during the night when these kids are out snorting glow sticks and drinking code red mountain dew with other minors in someones garage.

If you or someone you know suffers from any of these symptoms, please see a doctor so you can start treatment.

Make an appointment today before it is too late. There is help out there and until we make the first move and tell our friends they suck and it's time to knock this shit off, it will only escalate.

My goal is to find a well known celebrity who has suffered from this epidemic and recovered and then get the rights to a Sarah McLachlan (because we all know that is the only way people will listen) to help spread my message of hope and salvation.

Skrillabeetus. It's never too late.

Where are you hiding the republicans?!

A couple of days ago Carolyn and myself were bopping around the coffee shop, doing our usual thing when this middle aged married couple comes in. Everything starts off normal.

The husband orders a small black coffee and the wife stares at the menu for about a week trying to decided. After a few minutes I ask her if she has decided on a drink yet and she looks me dead in the eyes and asks "Do you support Obama?"

BOOM: Red flag. Don't talk politics with tourists.

I kindly explain to her that I am not a very politically involved person and don't really have much of an opinion on either of the candidates for the upcoming election.

"Well, you need to vote for Romney. He is going to change this country!"

With a big fake smile on my face and a subtle hint of "go the fuck away" in my tone I tell her that due to my lack of knowledge on either candidate and how uneducated I am in the way of politics that I feel it is best that I do not cast a vote because I would be voting blindly and I fail to see how that would be helpful. Which is just my nicest way of saying, I really don't give a fuck. I know I should, but I don't. It is the same way I view personal hygiene and women's rights. Not interested. But even if I were going to vote blindly it sure isn't going to be for Romney. I am holding out for Rip Taylor to run, then I will vote.

She immediately snaps "Well, I REFUSE to buy ANYTHING in this coffee shop because you people support Obama and have an Obama flyer on that wall!"

"Ok ma'am! Have a great day!"

She continues...

"Yes ma'am! Have a great day!"

Still going....

"Of course ma'am! Have a great day!"

At this point Carolyn tries to explain to this bat shit crazy house wife who is clearly from one of the square states that the bulletin board holding the Obama flyer is a board for public use and as long as it isn't crude or offensive, it can go up and will stay up.

The woman finally just walks out and we both just look at each other "The fuck just happened?!' and bust out laughing.

We clearly didn't wait long enough to blatantly laugh at this woman as loud as humanly possible though because she heard us and came flying back in on her broom, looks me up and down and says "That flyer isn't the ONLY reason I refuse to buy coffee from you!"

I strap on my big (at this point very condescending) fake smile, look her in the eyes and simply say "Of course it isn't ma'am! You have a GREAT day!"

Subtle ya crazy bitch. So, you're a die hard republican and you're not headless. Clearly you have spotted that I am a homosexual with your keen observation skills mixed with the fact that I put on my BIG FAT FAGGOT charm the moment you told me to vote for Romney because one, I hoped you would take the hint and realize I would never vote myself into a position of having even fewer rights than I do now and two, just to piss you off.

What kind of a person wanders into an independent coffee house with chalk board menus and the smooth vocal stylings of one Ms. Jenny Lewis coming from the speakers and expects to find ANYONE behind the counter who is going to be all about voting Republican. Are you stupid?

In the future lady, you should know better. All you're going to find working in an independent coffee shop are Liberals, Homosexuals and Witches brewing up fresh batches of steaming free will and the dreaded gay virus.

Perhaps it would be easier for you to just stick to water because leaving your house seems far too stressful for you.

Also, a few hours later we noticed the Obama flyer was gone. I am worried she came back and took it along with a lock of my hair. I don't know what she would do with a lock of my hair but she is the last person I would want to have it in their possession. I've seen The Craft. I know how this goes.

Panic.

Dirty Hipster: It's a disease, not a choice.

We all know that when you go into a small little coffee shop you are going to find the dirtiest of pretentious hipsters behind the counter steaming milk and feeling superior to every single person they have ever crossed paths with.

I know I have always found myself annoyed with that hipster and found myself thinking "Chill dude. You steam milk and pour things into cups. It's not like you're job is really THAT important. It's not like you're an EMT or a blogger."

Then it happened. I became that dirty hipster.

Obviously, it wasn't over night. It was a slow process. I have always been a little "hip" if you will, but never to the severity I am currently experiencing.

When I first started at the coffee shop I was pretty much clueless to anything hipsters obsessed over. 

After a while I was buying a new iPhone. Then a Timbuk2 backpack. Then an iPad. I felt myself slowly understanding the way of the hipster and why the lifestyle was so consuming.

Eventually I found myself obsessing over designer wallets. I needed a Louis Vuitton wallet. I had to have it.

I bought a road bike and upon riding it thought to myself "this is literally so much better than any other bike I have ever ridden"

But, the final stage of the transformation was when I started actually telling people why my new road bike was so superior to their cruisers and mountain bikes.

I froze and pondered aloud....

"What the fuck have I become?!"

That is when I sat down and traced all of these things back....I realized something:

Dirty Hipsters don't get jobs at Coffee Shops.

Coffee Shops turn people into Dirty Hipsters.

I fear there is no turning back and that this is just who I am now. But I have learned the hard way and am able to share my discovery with the world. People be warned, being a Barista will change you.

If only I had had a crystal ball to show what was going to happen to me and how consumed by the dark side I would become so that I may have taken the necessary precautions to not become so loaded down with apple products and a deep rooted boner for dudes with mustaches.

Save yourselves my friends for it is too late for me.

Why My Job Is Better Than Yours: Part One

My life at coffee shop can be hectic some times. We are pretty much non stop busy at all times and it can be hard to remember to breathe let alone what drink you are making.

How do I survive? What makes it amazing?

Well for one, my boss. The owner of the coffee shop is a dream boat dipped in awesome and wrapped in candied bacon. Anyone rolling their eyes right now and thinking "what a kiss ass..." has clearly never met her and should just give in and be jealous. Anyone who has met her obviously knows what I am talking about.

Anyways, I have decided to start a series of posts every now and then about this woman and some of the things she says that keep me smiling and slinging those lattes for the common man.

Episode one: The Thirsty Grizzly.

John came in to the coffee shop one day with a fresh bag of delicious cherries and started chopping them up. He tossed them in the blender with some strawberry ice cream and blackberry syrup. Delicious.

Then he added (a bit too much) honey. No longer delicious. Thankfully Carolyn was there to offer her silver lining to the situation and help us realize the true nature of this beverage.

Obviously!

One day she will most likely be ruler of the free world.

Can I get a Spicy Kony Value Meal, to go?

You know, this Chick-Fil-A situation is about the dumbest thing I have ever heard of.

Dear homosexuals, you want to be treated fairly and be supported? Well, that is fair but other people still have their rights to freedom of speech and just because they don't support you doesn't mean you need to part your hair aggressively and go Z-Snapping in the parking lot of the nearest Chick-Fil-A.

Do you really think those employees have anything to do with it?

Do you think it's fair to attack them when they are just trying to earn a living at some crappy minimum wage job?

Do you really think shoving your sexuality in their face and pissing them off is going to open their eyes and make them suddenly realize: "Holy crap. This parking lot full of gay guys, who clearly have nothing better to do with their time, making out has changed my views and in no way angered me further!"

I fully understand how frustrating  it can be to deal with blatant intolerance in such a public fashion.

I am angry too.

But I also realize that we don't have the rights we desire. We don't get treated the way we should in far too many ways. It isn't fair.

However, corporate America, the catholic church, politicians and Donald Trump (he plays a part in everything, I just know it) have the upper hand here. They are the ones who can make our lives or break them.

You know how I like to get things (that can't be charged to my visa)? Patience and manners. Proving that I deserve them. Earning them.

When you were a kid at the dinner table with your parents and wanted ice cream for dessert, did you ask for it nicely or did you strap on a pair of roller skates, crotchless chaps and skate around the dining room table while blasting "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga until you got your way? Didn't think so.

I realize that gay rights shouldn't even be in question, but unfortunately they are.So be patient and be kind.

When some one is ignorant and rude to you and your knee jerk reaction is to put on your sassy little fag pants, turn into a screeching howler monkey and start spraying your moronic poorly thought out arguments in their face they simply walk away thinking "Yea, I was right all along. Fags are out of control and unnatural"

But if you simply respect a persons right to their own views and stop attacking them for thinking differently than you, they may start to realize that homosexuals aren't really that big of deal.

They don't support gays because they don't share the same views.

You don't support them for not sharing your same views.

Hypocrite.

Maybe I am just over thinking this...

It would probably be easier to just strap on my gayest of faces and update my status twice a day about how Chick-Fil-A is a brain wash factory producing an army of homophobes bent on world domination and in no way just a fast food restaurant...

Afternoon Tea: Attendance Mandatory

This summer there are a lot of British employees and tourists on Mackinac Island. It is something I had noticed but not really given any thought to. I enjoy tea and crumpets as well so if anything I just felt more comfortable.

It wasn't until my friend Hanna came in to the coffee shop and we got to talking about this sudden influx of Brits that I became suspicious. The further we discussed the more we pieced together and the more we pieced together the more aware we became. Obviously, the British are trying to take back Mackinac Island.

First of all, I have worked on this island for five years now and not once have so many British people been here all at once. Seems fishy.

Second, a large number of these employees were hired by a fellow Brit who has been in the states for years. I have seen Salt starring Angelina Jolie, I'm no fool. I know what's up.

Third, the Olympics are currently happening in London. Distraction. The entire world has there eyes on London which makes it the perfect time for them to strike us and attempt a siege.

Lastly, this year marks the 200 year anniversary of the battle of 1812 here on the island. I'm pretty sure
Elizabeth II has been Queen since then and is two hundreds years of bitter.

Four perfect examples of how and why the queen is most likely sitting in a conference room at this very moment surrounded by various influential people in the UK preparing to take back over.

The more I think about it, I am actually totally fine with Queen Elizabeth reclaiming Mackinac Island.

Due to my extremely charming nature I am confident in the fact that she would put me in a position of power.

Who wouldn't want to live under my rule? Everyone would be treated greatly and showered with glory. Unless you're a ginger, have bacne, own a single Tapout shirt, dislike anything I like or buy the last frozen burrito, you would be totally happy. Promise