The Plight of the Self Hating Gay

I have always been annoyed by the type of person who instantly loves another person based on one simple fact about them.

For example, me being gay tends to make me a target for the "desperate to be a hag" type of girl. The girl who just loves hanging out with gay guys because she views it as a social status. As if having a small army of fags who are like, so fetch and better than everyone around them will prove to the world she is also the most fabulous because she is part of the gang.

I'm sorry but Mary Ann shared an island with Ginger for three seasons and it in no way had me convinced that she wasn't a post op tranny with a secret fetish for balloon popping.

These types of girls need the kind of gay guy who is simply that, a gay guy. No other personality traits. No thoughts that weren't planted by MTV News. Nothing. A blank canvas for her to train. It's basically like adopting a small pedigree dog but you don't have to clean up its poop and you can take it to restaurants with you.

I am not very good at being that guy. I was when I was younger and hella fat because I was insecure and just liked being validated, as meaningless as it was. And I LOVED the look on my older brothers faces when I had a bunch of girls around me at all times. Then as I grew up and found out more about who I am as person I started to realize, I don't give a fuck what color you paint your nails and it should not take us all god damn day to find you a new sundress at the mall. I will give you 30 minutes to find one while I tenderly embrace and eat a food court pretzel and then I'm out. I will leave your ass there. 

Basically, I hate being gay. It's too much pressure and holy mother of fuck it is a lot of work.

At 24 years old I have lost all patience for these situations. When a girl comes up to me and the first thing she says is "Are you gay?! Oh. Em. Gee! I love gay guys!!!!" I immediately shut down socially and start planning my escape route because I know damn well that our thought processes and interests only have two to three things in common. The rest are polar opposites. She wants a talking Chinese Crested and I want the fuck away from her. So, I try and scare her off and prove right away that I am not that fabulous little homosexual she desires.

Usually being gross about my bowels scares them away. And lets be real, if you can't handle me telling you I have to poop then we could never be friends.

If that fails I just get mean. I subtly try and put her down or point out her flaws. Starting off slow until the dumb broad doesn't get it and then I just pull out the big guns.

What, you think that's mean? I shouldn't point out her flaws and make her feel bad?

Well, most of the world tells me on a regular basis that my homosexuality is disgusting and I should be ashamed of it and here is this girl throwing it my face. So, if I want to tell her "you can hardly notice her cankles in those sandals or her "side boob is sweating" or her "back fat looks like a hot young version of Al Roker" you can't stop me.

Boats! Boats everywhere!

The first yacht race of the summer has begun. Everyone be safe and swagger like it is going out of style.

Make me proud kids, make me proud.

Color Me Jaded

I don't know if it's because I have been working in customer service for so long, I just have an over active imagination combined with my quick and blatant judgements or if I am just a down right monster but I have been categorizing customers into various fields of my imagination and then sketching them down to their most simplified version.

This will most likely be an ongoing thing but for now, here are the first three.

1. Intergalactic Diabetes: The customer who makes you think to your self "Does it really make a difference at this point...?" Most commonly a woman between the ages of 35-55 and generally traveling alone. You want to feel sorry for her because she seems sad but you also want to tell her, just go for it. It's too late to turn back now.

 
2. The Tube of Exploded Biscuits: This is the type of customer who is very aggressive about what they want because they know you're staring at their stack of chins and making (correct) assumptions. The TOEB is generally the early stages of becoming Intergalactic Diabetes. They usually dress for the body type they wish they had and want other people to think they have. While fooling no one...

 3. Siamese Indie Kids: This is my new favorite type, the hipster couple. They are the type that are always side by side because they are convinced that together they are very interesting but when separated they are dull and predictable. The "you complete me" syndrome. However, they are wrong. Together or separate they are always bland and just like the hipster couple before them. The guy seems to feel the need to try and impress (or possibly intimidate?) by dropping various facts about himself and his lifestyle that he knows other hipsters would immediately attempt to one-up with something even more obscure and possibly non existent. But it's me and I don't give a shit. Then there is the girl, she never seems to have much to say but just stares at the boy. Probably thinking "he is so interesting....everyone is probably so jealous of me"